I can now get on with my life

If you’ve known me for a long time, you would have known that when I was pregnant, I was hoping that Connor was going to be a girl.  And even though I’ve said that I’m happy with 2 boys, I’ve never really given it much deep thought (I even wrote about it last week without much thought).

I’d never really planned on having more that 2 children, but the thought has crossed my mind (very fleetingly) in the last 10 months.  What if I did, and it was a girl?  I’d be over the moon.  But if it was another boy?  Well, that’s where I stopped thinking about it!

However, I’ve thought about having another baby in the last few days.  A lot!  And that’s because I thought it might be a reality… I had a scare this month. And before you go jumping up and down… it was JUST a scare :).

And mulling through the consequences of it all… if I was in fact pregnant…  scared the living daylights out of me!  I haven’t been able to think about much else actually.  And I’ve come to the realisation that I don’t want to have another child.  Even if it’s a girl.  Even though I love being pregnant, I don’t want to worry about whether I’d have another prem baby.  I don’t want to worry about miscarrying yet again.  I don’t want to go through the first few months of very little sleep even though I love my boys to bits and it was soooo worth it.  I don’t want to give even less of my precious time to each of my children and give them less individual attention (which is what Bradley is craving at the moment).

I want to get my life back.  I want to have time to do the things I want to do.  For the last 7 years while TTC’ing and being pregnant, I’ve had to worry about what I do and eat and drink.  I don’t want to have to worry about that anymore.  My life has been on hold for far too long.  I want to carry on with my career and not worry about the effects of another maternity leave. I want to be able to travel overseas (hopefully later this year).

You might think it’s selfish… well… it is, but enough is enough.  I am quite happy with what I’ve got now, and now it’s time for me!!

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